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I can't be happy like this. - Omnia mutantur, nihil interit.
December 12th, 2004
04:31 pm
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I can't be happy like this.

I am reminded of some LiveJournal posts that Laura has made. For a long time I believed that life was a story and it just hadn't really started yet. Then it did, and I thought I knew the plot but it got lost somewhere (like it did this time in NaNoWriMo), and now I find myself in a situation that seems stable but where the only value that I can achieve when I'm not treading water (doing things merely to keep things going) is a kind of dull oblivion.

On Friday night at the party here I let myself get pretty trashed. It was interesting because, even though I didn't maintain a positive party vibe, during the times when I was sitting there doing nothing I didn't feel lonely, but rather I became a totally detached observer. Saturday was mostly wasted due to hangover; then it was Mark's birthday dinner at La Fiesta. Today I don't think I did much of anything. Organized a bit, I guess, and set up my stereo.

Charlie managed to ferret out, through a fairly simple series of questions, that my problems of late are due to a lack of the right kind of contact with other people. While I think this is insightful, it's only part of the story—I'm really to blame here, because I'm not open to the right kind of interaction with people.

I've noticed a high occurrence lately of believing something to be the “right thing” to do and still finding difficulty in forcing myself to actually do it. Not sure what this means. I've already lost the mental state I was trying to capture when I began writing this entry. I guess that, since no new state worth capturing has come up, I should stop.

I've also noticed a disturbing lack of ability to maintain a cohesive narrative lately. I keep drifting, and not really drifting anywhere particularly useful or interesting or that ends up being somehow related to where I started.

This may be too extreme to be literally accurate, but lately I've often had a sensation that I can most closely describe as being like I would imagine it would feel to be in a body after the soul has left.

Current Mood: empty
Current Music: Crystal Method - Blast

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From:theadana
Date:December 12th, 2004 06:23 pm (UTC)

yeah

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I do know what you're feeling. In high school, this feeling prompted me to believe that physical pain was better than the emptiness. Lack of connection! Oh god, yes, and it is simply -not- enough to have people on IM, or over the phone, or through email or LJ. It is imperative to have eyes to look into, hands to touch, voices to feel, tiny little muscles to read.

And making new friends takes so long- far too long to do it without the bootstrapping of already existing friendships. Minutes before I read this, I commented to Erik that I miss having a community of friends. People are not meant to be insular. Maybe some people can do it, but I can't, and you can't, and most people can't. We require a tribe, concentric circles of family, friends, aquaintances, and familiar faces.

And how do we form a new tribe? We're adopted into one, or we start one, or we piece them together from existing fragments. Beyond that, details are sketchy. Do we become friends by exposing our emotions to another person? Do we become friends through common interests and our thoughts thereon? Do we do it by expressing our needs or fufilling their needs? Through a gradual process of "knowing" another person? I don't know.

I wish I could tell you.

I wish I could tell myself.
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