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I am bored. - Omnia mutantur, nihil interit.
August 1st, 2004
12:59 am
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I am bored.

Jesus Christ, I am so bored.

On Tuesday, I went grocery shopping, and I wrote the following in Pandora:

Today I saw German Dark Wheat bread stocked so full it would have gone stale before I could finish it if I had bought it all, and I burst into tears.

This is true. (For those who don't get it, which is probably most of you, Mark Schreiber (a good friend of mine in college) found German Dark bread one time in Giant Eagle, and really liked it, and forever searched in vain for another loaf. I picked up this obsession and passed it on to Ratha, and we did actually find it from time to time at the Waterfront Giant Eagle, although it was always a lucky find.) I called that an extremely good day, that evening, when I went out to half price food to celebrate Katie Boyd's birthday, and when I saw Laura.

There have been a ton of chores to do, and for once in my life I have actually been doing them on a pretty regular schedule. Drive to work—work—eat lunch—work—drive home—do laundry—change my address with various people who need to know it—etc. These things have been getting done, and it feels satisfying to do them. A little.

I've been talking with Ratha for an hour or two most days, but it's not a big deal when we don't speak for a day except to say goodnight. Maybe even that will pass. Ratha was repulsed by (and ultimately left Pittsburgh in no small part because of) my dependence on her, which was unreciprocated on her part. I can't really blame her for that—I wasn't a very reliable person during that time, and Ratha adapted to that and simply assumed I couldn't do much of anything. I've learned that that's wrong, at least in the short term, but at the same time, something strange has happened.

I try to depend on Ratha emotionally, even a little bit, and I find that the belief that I am doing so persists for maybe a minute at most. Something low-level in my brain just won't click, and I stay in machine mode, do-this-do-that-move-over-here-move-over-there-now-this-chore-now-that-chore mode, and the whole time I wonder when I can leave it. I do leave it, watch a movie or read or something, but I never really relax. I'm just killing time until another obligation comes up.

Nothing is really that bad. I'm making more money than I'm spending. I have a ton of nice stuff. My job isn't bad, though it could be better. My housing isn't bad, though it could be better.

I'm just so damn bored. My dad and Nance, his new wife (as of a few weeks ago) are visiting this weekend, and hanging out with them isn't bad, but we spent most of today in museums. After that we went to Fahrenheit 9/11, which at least kept me mentally engaged for its duration.

I find myself sitting here waiting for something to happen, but nothing does. I hate meeting new people, they're all “interesting” in their own boring way. Honestly, it seems like a loophole that there are any people that I care about. There are, but one of them lives in Saratoga Springs, one of them lives in Catskill, one of them lives in Sarasota, one is moving to Seattle in about a week, and one seems to always be busy (and is graduating from CMU in a year to do who knows what). I would like nothing better than to live close enough to all of these people to see them every day, but it's impossible. I'd be willing to organize a large chunk of my life around these people (indeed, in many cases I have done so), but people tend to consider this unreasonable on my part and certainly aren't willing to reciprocate. They have their own lives. And asking anyone to do something always seems like a terrible imposition. So I sit around at home waiting for an invitation that never comes, or pouncing on the first person to log onto AIM, or sitting there worrying that if I pounce on the one person who's on AIM, they'll think I'm demanding too much of their attention.

My attitude would probably work better if I were a girl. As a man, I am expected to drive social situations—ostensibly only dating, but in practice there are times I'd like to hang out with a chick I had no intention of getting into a relationship with, but I'd have to ask, so it never happens.

I'm visiting Ratha in Florida in 3 weeks. I hope for a temporary reprieve from my boredom, but I don't know whether I can really expect it. I don't know what to expect out of my and Ratha's future relationship, honestly. I hope it doesn't turn acrimonious, and I don't think it has to, but I don't know if a friendship at the level that Ratha seems to want is sustainable for me. It's strange, because for about 5 or 10 minutes a day, I want to be with her so badly.

Laura pointed out at her going-away picnic how I moved to Pittsburgh and I have a job, and those were both goals I told her about over a year ago. This is true, and Ratha was no part of those plans at the time they were formulated. I guess that just goes to demonstrate psychologists' claims that people have no idea what will make them happy.

Ratha told me that I need meaningful relationships, after I pretty much told her as much by pointing out to her what I want. Well, no fucking duh. That's like telling a poor person it'd be really nice if they had some money. I mean, it's not that what she said was wrong, but pursuing that seems about as possible as getting blood from a stone, or turning lead into gold. I have met a number of people with whom I've had meaningful relationships, but I'll be damned if I know how I did it. What I do know is that most people simply can't merit a meaningful relationship with me. I wouldn't say that this is a fault of theirs so much as a dangerous personality quirk of mine, but the results are the same.

It's only been six days, but already I find myself wondering when it will end. I keep telling everyone I'm going to re-evaluate my situation in six months to a year, to see whether the job I have and the housing I have are really what I want, but honestly, I barely care about either of those things. Just give me some people who are worth spending time with and I'll shovel shit for 8 hours a day to live with them.

For the time being, if you have any desire to do me a favor:

  1. Keep me in mind when you go out to do something;
  2. Inform anyone you might know who might be interested in meeting me that I exist, and feel free to give any of them my contact information;
  3. Forward me any party invitations you might receive. Nobody ever invites me to parties;
  4. If you want to do me a really huge favor, either convince me (in a way that is left unchanged by evidence to the contrary) that people really want to see me and won't be put out by my asking them to do things, or (more likely) convince me to just not care whether I'm putting people out.

You know, I don't really like keeping my journal here, but the steps to get my own site back up and running are myriad (and in progress, but it'll still be a while), and I don't know if anybody still has it friended anyway, so I guess this will do.

Current Mood: boredbored
Current Music: Sister Hazel - Best I'll Ever Be

(12 comments | Leave a comment)

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[User Picture]
From:kenoubi
Date:July 31st, 2004 10:50 pm (UTC)
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I don't know if a friendship at the level that Ratha seems to want is sustainable for me.

I don't allow myself to edit posts, other than to correct typos, or I'd edit this. Thing is, I didn't intend the connotation of “and it probably isn't” that a statement of this type generally has—I actually don't know. In fact, I'm not convinced either Ratha or I knows at this point what kind of relationship we want to have with one another. So, I intended to denote uncertainty, but I fear I ended up denoting hopelessness instead, especially given the generally negative tone of this post. Okay, end footnote.

[User Picture]
From:damion
Date:July 31st, 2004 11:57 pm (UTC)

MyNoWriMo

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A bunch of us are doing a NoWriMo in August (which is now), so I'll be spending a bunch of time sitting around looking for reasons to procrastinate. Once work ends (on Wednesday) feel free to come over and hang around.

Also, something you might consider is to, instead of hanging around your apartment, hang around in some more public place (like a coffee shop with wireless) and do the same things you'd do at home. That way you haven't lost anything, but you've opened yourself up to Random Good Things.
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From:kenoubi
Date:August 1st, 2004 07:39 pm (UTC)

Re: MyNoWriMo

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A bunch of us are doing a NoWriMo in August (which is now), so I'll be spending a bunch of time sitting around looking for reasons to procrastinate. Once work ends (on Wednesday) feel free to come over and hang around.

I think I will take you up on this. What's the address? Should I call to let you know I'm coming, and/or are there particular times of day / days of the week that are good?

Also, something you might consider is to, instead of hanging around your apartment, hang around in some more public place (like a coffee shop with wireless) and do the same things you'd do at home. That way you haven't lost anything, but you've opened yourself up to Random Good Things.

I wouldn't say I lose nothing; I have to get wherever I'm hanging out, and I lose easy access to the stuff I don't bring with me and familiarity with my environment. However, this isn't a bad idea, but I'm not sure a coffee shop is the best option (actually, I've never really understood the concept of hanging out in a coffee shop alone with one's laptop—the probability of being approached by anyone seems negligible). Any other ideas?

[User Picture]
From:boredatheist
Date:August 1st, 2004 12:12 am (UTC)
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fuck you
From:runesigner
Date:August 1st, 2004 06:35 am (UTC)

How to write this...

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Okay, I know things have been less than perfect between us, even acrimonious, and sometimes things just work out that way.
The thing is, if you're okay with it, I'm willing to have you on my care list and if you have interest in doing so hang out.
No malice, no pity, no assumptions of any kind; it's just an offer of caring if you're willing to accept it. if not 'sokay.

Oh, and I'm glad to see that you're alive and kicking. The lack of posting on your journal gave a slight cause for concern :)
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From:kenoubi
Date:August 1st, 2004 07:44 pm (UTC)

Re: How to write this...

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I don't know what to say, except that 1) I appreciate the offer, and 2) we should get together some time and see what happens, assuming you aren't one of those people who's so insanely busy that you have to book things a half year in advance.
[User Picture]
From:neurochemistry
Date:August 1st, 2004 01:00 pm (UTC)
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When are you going to come to visit?
[User Picture]
From:kenoubi
Date:August 1st, 2004 07:54 pm (UTC)
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Amanda, you'll never give up, will you?

I'll visit eventually. Let things settle in a little here, then maybe we can make plans.
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From:theadana
Date:August 1st, 2004 04:06 pm (UTC)
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I had a dream about you last night. We were making our way through this trapped area- there were trip wires and earthquakes going on. You were wearing this cream colored (cream and butter and buttercups) dress shirt, and it was sunny out. I turned to you and said, "You know this is a dream, right?" and you gave me that look you do sometimes, that sort of short nod you give when I've said something so obvious that it's taken for granted. I got the strong feeling that you would talk to me about it when we were awake. It was nice, despite the chaos; you seemed happy to be running around with me.

On a more practical note, I would strongly suggest that you subscribe to, filter, and read d-pittsburgh-bullcrap. It's a good conversation forum and social network, plus, most publicly attended events are announced there. You could also look around http://pittsburgh.craigslist.org/act/ for people who want to do stuff.
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From:kenoubi
Date:August 1st, 2004 08:00 pm (UTC)
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I got the strong feeling that you would talk to me about it when we were awake.

Which “it”, the dream? It sounds very similar to some of my (extremely vague) fantasies, actually. I am going to end up writing fan fiction for my own life some day, probably.

On a more practical note, I would strongly suggest that you subscribe to, filter, and read d-pittsburgh-bullcrap.

I think I was scared off by the “no lurkers” warning last time I considered that, but I suppose I could just flagrantly ignore it. That does seem like a pretty good way to get party announcements, at least.

We should get together again before you leave. Give me a call tomorrow, or send me an email, or I'll call you.

[User Picture]
From:papertygre
Date:August 1st, 2004 08:24 pm (UTC)

well

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I am sorry you're having a hard time of it

I guess we all are finding it kind of rough, in our own way

Maybe remember that, as you remarked to me, you never would have thought yourself capable of maintaining a routine and taking care of all your own responsibilities in a stable way, but now you're doing it. You set goals for yourself a year ago, and achieved them. So try not to make assumptions that limit you now. Don't assume that almost all other people are vapid and unworthy. Don't assume that there is nothing to do if you happen not to have anyone to do it with (Feeling Good addresses that; maybe give that chapter another glance over.) Don't assume that you are incapable of inviting people out without their feeling imposed upon, or that a turndown is a mortal condemnation.

Looking forward to your visit. Maybe we'll go parasailing.
[User Picture]
From:kenoubi
Date:August 6th, 2004 09:31 pm (UTC)

Re: well

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Yeah, I'll be fine. I think I was just looking for something to complain about. “I'm bored” is kinda lame though, don't you think? :-)
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