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(Nothing offensive, but long and probably kind of boring.) Today… - Omnia mutantur, nihil interit.
September 13th, 2004
11:10 pm
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(Nothing offensive, but long and probably kind of boring.)

Today after work, I went to Ikea. I had been meaning to go there for a while, but the trip was extremely poorly planned—I hadn't even measured the spaces I had been meaning to fill, and I left work pretty late and had no idea how to get there. I did actually find my way, despite Robinson Town Center being a veritable chaotic spawn.

While inside, I had to fight pretty hard to avoid being overwhelmed by a regretful sense of deja vu—the last time I had been to Ikea, Ratha and I were picking out furniture. I did buy a few things—a tray, a hanging storage unit which I just found out doesn't have quite the dimensions I thought, a set of six brandy flutes one of which I've already managed to break, and a jigger (finally)—but what was perhaps more notable were the things I didn't buy. I would have bought a knife block, but the two that they had both had knives already in them and didn't seem quite right anyway (I had sort of planned to go to Bed, Bath and Beyond to purchase this, but I didn't end up going there—read on to find out why). There were some picture frames, and the idea of making a triptych which Ratha had suggested was still on my mind, but then I thought, what pictures would I actually put in there? Wouldn't putting ones of Ratha and me be kind of morbid? (The truth is that I don't honestly believe that, but if I put them somewhere that anyone else could see them, I'd feel guilty for likely causing them to believe untrue things, and I think Ratha would have a negative opinion of my displaying those pictures, and so I refrain from doing something even though I think I would enjoy it.) And I wanted to buy a rug to go just inside my door, but none of them were quite right—I could have compromised my standards, but I really wanted something either pure black, pure white, or a highly saturated color, and very soft and fuzzy.

Anyway, when I left it was about 20:20, so I figured I would drive back towards Pittsburgh and if I saw BB&B on the way I would stop there, but if not I'd just go home. What actually happened, though, is that I ended up going the wrong way, was too obstinate to just turn around, and eventually found my way back home through God knows where. This is a pattern through which I've gone many times before, but not for a while—I think not since I got lost in the Southside the first day of work at Jason's studio when it was raining so hard.

I saw Bullseye on the way to Robinson Town Centre, and I was passing by there about 19:20, and I left work pretty late, so it looks like it might be perfectly possible to go there after work. In other disappointing news, I meant to go to the range this past weekend, but somehow never dredged up the motivation to actually do so. Not having people to do things with seems to drain all the point out of them pretty consistently. What I did end up doing over the weekend was spending almost an entire day, from Saturday evening to Sunday evening, at Mark's place. I had very interrupted sleep Saturday night (people were watching TV in the living room, where I eventually ended up sleeping, though I hadn't really planned to) and slept practically all day Sunday. This time was remarkably non-productive, but also fairly bearable, so I suppose it comes out about a zero on the net value scales. I need to figure out how to be more productive in the presence of others. I get lonely (and thus, unable to do anything) too easily for being by myself to be a reliable state (although it does sometimes work well), but when I'm with other people they set the agenda, with me offering occasional input, and I find websurfing to be about as taxing an activity as I can successfully carry out (when what I'd really like to get done is programming and/or writing).

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From:aletea
Date:September 14th, 2004 09:19 pm (UTC)

my silly advice...

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If you like the pictures, if they're good pictures, keep them and put them up. She's your friend either way, right?
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From:kenoubi
Date:September 17th, 2004 08:23 am (UTC)

Re: my silly advice...

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Now that I look back at this post, it's striking how obviously the part about the triptych was an attempt at game-playing (of the “conversation thread with ulterior motives” variety), although I didn't actually think that anyone was likely to take me up on it. I don't know whether to thank you or gently scold you.

I guess what I do want to say is—thanks for caring.

I do have two pictures that I really like. One of them has been in my wallet for months (arguably I should remove it, but this whole “moving on” thing seems pretty artificial to me most of the time—I can make myself do it, but I can't make myself feel it). The third picture, though, I'd have to either pick an arbitrary one while we were going out, or one when we weren't going out, or do something really morbid like a split frame between separate pictures of us.

A large part of my problem right now is that I feel like anything I do intrinsically value, the world wants to stomp on before I can achieve.
From:aletea
Date:September 17th, 2004 09:38 pm (UTC)

Re: my silly advice...

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Well, while you make up your mind to thank me or scold me, I'll continue babbling :)
And you're welcome for caring, as much as we've drifted, I will always care... you're my friend... plus you're a pisces and you know how adament about the superiority of fishy people...

As for the pictures, don't surround yourself with them because though I don't know or understand, let alone pretend to comprehend the reason for the split, you shouldn't torture yourself with it or force it away from you. Try choosing a picture that holds with it a good memory for the two of you.. a neutral one.. one that reminds you of your friendship and not so much of your relationship. That way, it reminds you of what's good and the rest, you can put in an album so that if you want them, you have them, but it doesn't feel too much like you're
clinging or holding on to them too tightly.

and so this last piece of "advice" is for the last piece of your comment. I know I dont' take the time to understand your view of the world.. and I never really have because .. well, I'm too lazy to... plus... soemtimes it changed... and well, I'll stop with the exucses and get on with it. The world (in my mind of course) isn't trying to hurt you, it doesn't have a will. I'm not commenting on its existance and I'm not goign down a philsophical route for you... but I do believe that though sometimes things are stinky... and we can't be with or have the people and things we love, life will work out..a nd you had times when you're happy and you'll continue to have them... at least a million times over... :)
All my love,
If you can guess who this is... you get 15000 virtually virtual cookies :)
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