This weekend, I visited Ratha. It was kind of awkward. I like Ratha, and I think she likes me (although I keep changing my mind about what it even means to like a person as a whole, as opposed to liking certain of their behaviors or characteristics), but it seems that our desires of our relationship are fairly mismatched at this point. Further complicating things, we each have individual problems that, in my perception, are causing us to be less sparkly and less able to play off of one another. Ratha is filled with doubt about her current plans as regard her career—she's unsure both of her ability to succeed and of the praiseworthiness of those plans even if they do succeed. She is terribly ambitious, but more out of fear and guilt than desire. Meanwhile, I find myself without any strategic aims, mired in tactics, lonely and dissatisfied. I feel like at this point my ability to innovate—to try things out even if I'm not sure they'll work—is almost spent, both in financial terms and in terms of the psychological energy that it takes to deal with change.
On Saturday we went shooting, which was probably the high point of the weekend from a mutualist perspective. Ratha shot mostly .22 and I shot mostly a Glock 9mm (both of which were rented), and we both managed to hit the target almost every time at 7 yards, which I guess is nothing to write home about but does prove that I've improved somewhat. Then we did some shopping, and in the evening we watched a movie, Waking Life, which qualified as kind of a mind-altering experience. On Sunday we went to the art museum and in the evening we went swimming. Most time that wasn't spent on any of the activities I just listed was spent talking, either about my problems, about philosophy (I read Ratha's philosophy paper and we talked about that as well as some other topics; I'm worried that my influence was more discouraging than helpful) or about our relationship.
At this moment, as I write on the plane, I feel fear. I worry that any belief I had that I was anything special was an illusion. And I compare Breakout and Risu and though I know that they were products of quite different processes, I worry that I may not be capable of re-creating the process that would lead to another Breakout.