October 10th, 2005

Photo, Gabriel's

Doing okay

I want to thank everyone for your responses to my last post. It was a bit whiny, and to be honest, I'm a little embarrassed to have written it, although I understand why I did.

I feel a lot better now than I did when I wrote it. Except for temporary aberrations, regret is something that I don't seem to experience. As such, as much as I feel that in some sense all those times that I let my blood sugar get low were “bad”, I can't honestly make myself believe that I did anything wrong, or indeed that it could have been any other way.

What I do feel now (surprisingly enough) is relief. See, I've been having these mental symptoms for a while now, but I simply had no idea what could be causing them, and mostly shoved them under the rug. Now, it's true that some of these effects could simply be due to the aging process, and it's also possible that for one reason or another, my abilities won't regenerate, or won't do so fully. But hey—if my long-term memory is bad, I can try to make sure I have a written record of everything—I already did that to some extent anyway. If I can't remember where I put my pencil, I can just look for it—or even better, I can have a standard place to put pencils, so I won't have to worry about it. I seem to be able to do my job just fine (when I can avoid being distracted) and my IQ (based on various online tests) is hovering vaguely around 140, just as it always has. I still intend to mention the issue to my endocrinologist at my follow-up appointment, but the point is that I don't have any mental deficiencies that are really all that bad—especially if I can stop doing further damage to myself.

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I should try to update more often. These multi-week gaps are no good.