Man, time passes so fast. I feel like I need to slow it down to capture the experiences I am having, before they blur by and are gone.
- Having some personal issues.
- Work isn't all roses.
- Ratha came to visit, and we had fun.
Part of this rush of experience is due to the poor sleep I've been getting lately. Specifically, I've been sleeping 5 or 6 hours a night on weeknights, then 10+ hours on the weekend. I never feel totally rested, and some days at work are a bit rough and I have to slog through them, knowing that my cognitive capacities are not fully functional.
Some of it is also due to the “depression” I've been experiencing. This seems like it could be an organic problem, and if so it seems like correcting my sleep schedule might help, but there is also the possibility that it's due to a feeling of learned helplessness. There were times while I was working for Jason when I felt totally overwhelmed with information, and started pushing as much of it as possible into the external world (writing it down, so I could forget it) to cope. It may be that that wasn't actually necessary, or that I overdid it, and that now I'm left with a terrible memory simply because I've taught myself that's all I'm capable of. I'm going to give this a try by attempting to be more optimistic about my ability to remember things and seeing if that has any effect.
I've started to see the ugly aspects of work. For all the hard work I had to put in on my last job, I rarely had to deal with politics or the need to avoid hurt feelings. My social skills don't seem to be tuned to the environment at my new job. Even though I imagine I have been developing more social skills since the beginning of college, one key assumption that they make use of is that it's hard to offend people. Indeed, though it is possible to offend me, it's extremely difficult, and I tend to view offendedness as quaint and outmoded. A person has to retain at least some small amount of dignity in order to offend me at all, and generally people who are trying to offend me look like idiots doing so, so it doesn't work. Furthermore, some of the things at which people get offended seem so trivial to me that I barely notice them (other than by being told or seeing that someone was offended).
The thing about Carlson specifically is that while they don't have any outright jerks (at least, as far as I've seen), a lot of the employees seem quirkily fragile. I could be classed that way too, but I like to think that I present a resilient interface to the rest of the world. So, some of my time is wasted by these meaningless and seemingly insubstantial personal issues. At least I don't have to deal much with them directly, as everyone in the programming team is reasonably thick-skinned and friendly.
The other ugly aspect of work is Microsoft, especially Access. Good God, the things they've done with Access are horrendous. Fortunately, it looks like I only have to support those pieces until (soon) they can be rewritten. Still, this further underscores that any achievement I have at work will inevitably be strongly conditioned by the environment there, and perhaps suggests that I should do at least a little programming on the side to retain my positive outlook about it.
This weekend, Ratha came to visit. She brought a purple futon, which it was a challenge to fit into my already reasonably full living room area (we ended up rearranging everything that was already there). On Friday night immediately after she got in (having lost her way for a bit until I navigated her here with Google Maps), we went out for dinner, but the restaurant (Dream Cafe) where we tried to go was already closed. We walked around the corner and ate at a place that had sushi and Korean food (I think it was Korean).
Saturday we went shopping. I spent a bunch of money at Bed, Bath & Beyond (my list had been accumulating for weeks). I now have all the housewares I need—or, at least, the burning issues have been dealt with. I didn't manage to find a spice rack, but Ratha jerry-rigged one from a cardboard box, and the trash-can-deficiency crisis has now been defused. We also talked quite a bit about a piece of software Ratha might write, for task management.
In the evening, we made tabouli. We made it with quinoa, because of Ratha's GFCF diet, and between that and the much higher proportion of parsley, it was quite different from the other tabouli I had made earlier in the week, which was from a mix plus some bulgur wheat Ratha gave me long ago (which I used because the mix had been erroneously packaged without its key ingredient). Ratha said she would take some of it home with her, but she forgot, so I've now been eating tabouli almost every day for a week. We also made guacamole, which I hadn't realized would be so easy.
Sunday, Ratha took off around noon to be with her family for Father's Day.
Ratha and I got along a lot better this visit than we did last time. I sometimes struggle to figure out what determines this, but other than some vague intuitive feeling I have (which, surprisingly, is usually right), thereseems to be no way to judge.
I've been feeling a bit less stupid the past few days. Perhaps not up to my peak level, but then I think back and realize that my peak level has only ever been attained inconsistently—when I was a teenager, I'm pretty sure I was frequently not just oblivious, but oblivious to my obliviousness. I don't know yet if this will continue, but if so, it seems like I should be able to get by.