I want to thank everyone for your responses to my last post. It was a bit whiny, and to be honest, I'm a little embarrassed to have written it, although I understand why I did.
I feel a lot better now than I did when I wrote it. Except for temporary aberrations, regret is something that I don't seem to experience. As such, as much as I feel that in some sense all those times that I let my blood sugar get low were “bad”, I can't honestly make myself believe that I did anything wrong, or indeed that it could have been any other way.
What I do feel now (surprisingly enough) is relief. See, I've been having these mental symptoms for a while now, but I simply had no idea what could be causing them, and mostly shoved them under the rug. Now, it's true that some of these effects could simply be due to the aging process, and it's also possible that for one reason or another, my abilities won't regenerate, or won't do so fully. But hey—if my long-term memory is bad, I can try to make sure I have a written record of everything—I already did that to some extent anyway. If I can't remember where I put my pencil, I can just look for it—or even better, I can have a standard place to put pencils, so I won't have to worry about it. I seem to be able to do my job just fine (when I can avoid being distracted) and my IQ (based on various online tests) is hovering vaguely around 140, just as it always has. I still intend to mention the issue to my endocrinologist at my follow-up appointment, but the point is that I don't have any mental deficiencies that are really all that bad—especially if I can stop doing further damage to myself.
Since that appointment, I've gotten a lot more scientific about my blood sugar (although this hasn't always been reflected in perfect control). For example, the fast-acting insulin I'm using—insulin lispro, brand name Humalog—is a lot faster than regular human insulin, but it still isn't just an impulse. I looked at the graph of its activity and roughly integrated it into the following values, in arbitrary units: 1st hour 1.5, 2nd hour 2.5, 3rd hour 1.5, 4th hour 0.5. I had been neglecting the 3rd and 4th hours, and as a result had frequently overtreated highs, resulting in blood sugars that bounced back and forth instead of settling where they should. Also, I thought about the fact that certain meals seem to cause a delayed rise in blood sugar, and realized that with an insulin that acts as fast as Humalog, I simply have to take two (possibly even three) shots in order to maintain euglycemia—but that if I have experience with that type of meal, I can time and dose those shots so that I don't suffer from severe postprandial spikes.
I've also been trying (at the heavy urging of my dietician) to eat breakfast. I think that making sure whatever I eat at breakfast has zero fat in it may mostly prevent the nausea I've always associated with eating during the first couple of hours after getting up.
On Saturday, I went to a gun show with Brett and Nikolai. There are all kinds of things I'd like to buy there, I realized, but the only one I could justify at the moment was ammo—spending $1000 on plane tickets (none of which I actually get to use until December) last month has kind of shot my budget for this month. After that I took Nikolai shooting. I was pretty pleased that I hit a target with roughly a 4-inch diameter 5 out of 10 times at 15 yards with my Glock.
That evening, I put my futon together. It was truly amazing how much space this opened up in my apartment, because not only had I had the futon mattress (the previous frame had fallen apart and been disposed of) laying flat on the floor, but the drawer unit and the boxes in which the new frame parts came, as well. I did a bunch of other cleaning and organizing over the weekend, and it's really heartening to see my apartment not looking like a big pile of junk, which it has (to a greater or lesser extent) for a while now. Interleaved with the futon assembly, I had a pretty good discussion with Ratha. Unfortunately, I stayed up 'til nearly 2 in the morning, so I didn't get up until almost noon on Sunday.
On Sunday I played Xenosaga for a few hours, did some contract work that I had been letting accumulate, watched a couple episodes of Sliders, and cleaned some more. It was kind of a slow day, but I still felt like I actually accomplished something, which is more than I can say for many recent weekends.
This morning I woke up early, and having finished my morning rituals at 7:50, I decided to walk to work for the first time in months. When I got outside, it was drizzling slightly, so I got out my umbrella. As it turned out, I barely needed it, and the temperature was very pleasant.
I should try to update more often. These multi-week gaps are no good.