Kenn (kenoubi) wrote,

I've noticed a pattern of posting something unhappy, then a bit later posting something happy. I think this is probably a kind of denial in attempt to make the earlier statement not be true. So, if I post a retraction of this a bit later, you shouldn't necessarily believe it…

I am miserably unhappy, in large part because I am lonely/bored. Allow me to give a sample interaction:

Kenn: I am lonely and bored.
Helpful person: <some generic advice about meeting people>
Kenn: This is really hard for me. I don't even feel like I'm on solid footing with the obligations I already have.
Helpful person: <more generic advice>
Kenn: (Hmm, this person obviously isn't listening to me. They're totally ignoring the stuff I said about how hard this is for me. I don't really believe that any of their advice would work, and now I feel like a jerk for ignoring and arguing with well-intentioned advice. Furthermore, this is making me think more about how lonely/bored I am, which is making it even worse. I won't bring this up again. As a matter of fact, I'll try not to even think about it.)

I spend almost all my time pacifying anxiety. This may sound extreme, but I think it's actually true, from web-surfing to a smoke break to lunch to some actual work to reading fiction to cleaning the house to talking with people about trivial topics to watching movies to shopping to the ritual I use when I take a shower to the one I use when I brush my teeth, if I don't go to bed without bothering. And, to my credit (?) I am very good at pacifying anxiety. Despite the presence of this huge anxiety-generating thing in my life, I rarely suffer from actual occurrent anxiety for more than a few hours… like when I'm home alone on a Saturday night, wishing I had somewhere to go, someone to hang out with.

During Ratha's recent visit, I suffered from intense anxiety (manifested at the physical level) pretty much the entire time. That visit was terrible. I mean, it had its moments, but it was pretty bad, and I came out of it not knowing if I will ever see her again. I suppose that's just as well, since as she later said, she isn't sure she wants to associate with someone as opposed to change as I am. It's funny that that's almost exactly the wording Charlie used, when he wasn't busting my chops even more by saying I was opposed to growth.

Perhaps writing this now is simply another attempt to placate anxiety—I don't know. What I do know is that I've learned, at a pretty deep level, that this is a topic not to be mentioned, not even to be thought about. And perhaps, even if I don't believe the advice will work, I do think there's something wrong with spending this much of my energy hiding from an unpleasant truth.

Please don't offer advice that amounts to telling me how to meet people. I've heard it all before. I know it's well-intentioned, but all it will really accomplish is to make me retreat into my shell once again.

(Unfinished thoughts: school. I've very rarely made any positive social contact outside of some sort of school environment.

Also, am I a psychic vampire? I don't want to say that I am, but other people with whom I've dealt sometimes think so. Draining energy from them, being uselessly dependent on them. Maybe it's true. I do feel pretty drained myself, lately.

Change. I'm not actually as opposed to change as Charlie and Ratha seem to think I am—look at how much and how many times I've changed things over the past couple of years. What I am is the opposite of a change master—I'm a change klutz. When I do apply change, it feels unnatural—I am stepping outside of my comfort zone—and I clumsily destroy good things I already had while I grasp for something good that may well be phantasmal.)


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