Kenn (kenoubi) wrote,
Kenn
kenoubi

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I am bored.

Jesus Christ, I am so bored.

On Tuesday, I went grocery shopping, and I wrote the following in Pandora:

Today I saw German Dark Wheat bread stocked so full it would have gone stale before I could finish it if I had bought it all, and I burst into tears.

This is true. (For those who don't get it, which is probably most of you, Mark Schreiber (a good friend of mine in college) found German Dark bread one time in Giant Eagle, and really liked it, and forever searched in vain for another loaf. I picked up this obsession and passed it on to Ratha, and we did actually find it from time to time at the Waterfront Giant Eagle, although it was always a lucky find.) I called that an extremely good day, that evening, when I went out to half price food to celebrate Katie Boyd's birthday, and when I saw Laura.

There have been a ton of chores to do, and for once in my life I have actually been doing them on a pretty regular schedule. Drive to work—work—eat lunch—work—drive home—do laundry—change my address with various people who need to know it—etc. These things have been getting done, and it feels satisfying to do them. A little.

I've been talking with Ratha for an hour or two most days, but it's not a big deal when we don't speak for a day except to say goodnight. Maybe even that will pass. Ratha was repulsed by (and ultimately left Pittsburgh in no small part because of) my dependence on her, which was unreciprocated on her part. I can't really blame her for that—I wasn't a very reliable person during that time, and Ratha adapted to that and simply assumed I couldn't do much of anything. I've learned that that's wrong, at least in the short term, but at the same time, something strange has happened.

I try to depend on Ratha emotionally, even a little bit, and I find that the belief that I am doing so persists for maybe a minute at most. Something low-level in my brain just won't click, and I stay in machine mode, do-this-do-that-move-over-here-move-over-there-now-this-chore-now-that-chore mode, and the whole time I wonder when I can leave it. I do leave it, watch a movie or read or something, but I never really relax. I'm just killing time until another obligation comes up.

Nothing is really that bad. I'm making more money than I'm spending. I have a ton of nice stuff. My job isn't bad, though it could be better. My housing isn't bad, though it could be better.

I'm just so damn bored. My dad and Nance, his new wife (as of a few weeks ago) are visiting this weekend, and hanging out with them isn't bad, but we spent most of today in museums. After that we went to Fahrenheit 9/11, which at least kept me mentally engaged for its duration.

I find myself sitting here waiting for something to happen, but nothing does. I hate meeting new people, they're all “interesting” in their own boring way. Honestly, it seems like a loophole that there are any people that I care about. There are, but one of them lives in Saratoga Springs, one of them lives in Catskill, one of them lives in Sarasota, one is moving to Seattle in about a week, and one seems to always be busy (and is graduating from CMU in a year to do who knows what). I would like nothing better than to live close enough to all of these people to see them every day, but it's impossible. I'd be willing to organize a large chunk of my life around these people (indeed, in many cases I have done so), but people tend to consider this unreasonable on my part and certainly aren't willing to reciprocate. They have their own lives. And asking anyone to do something always seems like a terrible imposition. So I sit around at home waiting for an invitation that never comes, or pouncing on the first person to log onto AIM, or sitting there worrying that if I pounce on the one person who's on AIM, they'll think I'm demanding too much of their attention.

My attitude would probably work better if I were a girl. As a man, I am expected to drive social situations—ostensibly only dating, but in practice there are times I'd like to hang out with a chick I had no intention of getting into a relationship with, but I'd have to ask, so it never happens.

I'm visiting Ratha in Florida in 3 weeks. I hope for a temporary reprieve from my boredom, but I don't know whether I can really expect it. I don't know what to expect out of my and Ratha's future relationship, honestly. I hope it doesn't turn acrimonious, and I don't think it has to, but I don't know if a friendship at the level that Ratha seems to want is sustainable for me. It's strange, because for about 5 or 10 minutes a day, I want to be with her so badly.

Laura pointed out at her going-away picnic how I moved to Pittsburgh and I have a job, and those were both goals I told her about over a year ago. This is true, and Ratha was no part of those plans at the time they were formulated. I guess that just goes to demonstrate psychologists' claims that people have no idea what will make them happy.

Ratha told me that I need meaningful relationships, after I pretty much told her as much by pointing out to her what I want. Well, no fucking duh. That's like telling a poor person it'd be really nice if they had some money. I mean, it's not that what she said was wrong, but pursuing that seems about as possible as getting blood from a stone, or turning lead into gold. I have met a number of people with whom I've had meaningful relationships, but I'll be damned if I know how I did it. What I do know is that most people simply can't merit a meaningful relationship with me. I wouldn't say that this is a fault of theirs so much as a dangerous personality quirk of mine, but the results are the same.

It's only been six days, but already I find myself wondering when it will end. I keep telling everyone I'm going to re-evaluate my situation in six months to a year, to see whether the job I have and the housing I have are really what I want, but honestly, I barely care about either of those things. Just give me some people who are worth spending time with and I'll shovel shit for 8 hours a day to live with them.

For the time being, if you have any desire to do me a favor:

  1. Keep me in mind when you go out to do something;
  2. Inform anyone you might know who might be interested in meeting me that I exist, and feel free to give any of them my contact information;
  3. Forward me any party invitations you might receive. Nobody ever invites me to parties;
  4. If you want to do me a really huge favor, either convince me (in a way that is left unchanged by evidence to the contrary) that people really want to see me and won't be put out by my asking them to do things, or (more likely) convince me to just not care whether I'm putting people out.

You know, I don't really like keeping my journal here, but the steps to get my own site back up and running are myriad (and in progress, but it'll still be a while), and I don't know if anybody still has it friended anyway, so I guess this will do.

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