Kenn (kenoubi) wrote,

My phone has been reminding me that it's time to make a post if I want to keep up one post a month for quite a while now, and I am reminded of why I've been posting so infrequently lately. There just hasn't been that much that I wanted to post about.

Today is my birthday. I am now 25. This seems to be the last birthday when anything significant changes, that being that I can now rent cars (though people keep trying to take this away from me by pointing out that there are companies that will rent to under-25s with a surcharge). Well, the last birthday until I become a senior citizen.

Things seem... deranged. The stock market is plummeting today with little sign of stopping (though I hope it does; I've got quite a bit of stock (and in fact bought more without waiting long enough)), and various other things are out of order and it seems very difficult for me to re-align them. For example, Laura (my computer) has been shutting herself down when I try to encode a full CD of music, undoubtedly due to the missing fan on her motherboard, which up until now had seemed a merely academic issue. This is particularly odd because I finished moving her from the warmest room in the apartment (upstairs, where my bed now is) to the coldest (the former bedroom, which is still quite bare since I've only set up the table, not the desk). On the plus side, the reason I need to encode CDs is that I just received the second half of my huge game music order.

This seems like a good analogy for the overall feeling I've had for the past week or so, which is that little good things keep happening while basic infrastructure becomes unmaintainable and falls apart and I worry that sooner or later this is going to have some real negative effects on my life, which in the period immediately prior had seemed quite secure, if not particularly exciting.

I wish I had more evidence whether these worries are founded or not, and if so, that I could take a chill pill. I think my basic mode of function is to worry about any outstanding issues (and act on them, but worry especially when there doesn't seem to be anything I can or am willing to do), relieved only by the final resolution of the problem or by worry about something else shoving out the previous worry. This leads to a life that, while often quite functional, is sometimes (at times such as now) pretty frustrating.

Though as I write this, I'm not really feeling (in a visceral sense) all that worried any more. I've got quite a bit to look forward to (lots of trips) in the next few months, and I guess my security still seems pretty likely, if not certain.

(There were more parentheticals in there than I realized, but I think I'll leave them in, on the chance that their number goes beyond unusual to distinctive.)

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