It did not occur to me that I might ever think I had made a mistake in choosing to go to Half Price Food this evening, but as time went by, it seemed like I might end up having had an unfortunate experience. Chuck and Fred and to a lesser extent John-Eric dominated the conversation; Katie seemed unbothered by this and chimed in every once in a while, but most of the time when I would try to say something one of the other guys would start speaking at the same time, and since I am quiet and don't wish to be rude I would just stop talking.
But then, outside India Garden as we were about to go our separate ways, John-Eric said goodbye to me, and Katie also said bye and thanked me for coming, and for just a fleeting instant I felt like someone actually cared about me as a person. I'm not even sure what I'm trying to say here, but it felt very important. I haven't felt like that much lately.
This weekend is Jammy Jam, which should be interesting. I haven't been to a party since Ratha left. I guess in a way it's appropriate to go to this one without her. (We met at Jammy Jam last year.)
The weekend after next, I visit Ratha. I'm not in “waiting mode” per se, insofar as I can't afford the lost efficiency that would cause, but it's nice to think “Oh, only n more days” every once in a while.
On the phone with Ratha this evening, I mentioned that before putting my website back up, I might want to update some things on it, such as the page that describes me. It still says that I'm dating Ratha at the moment, and I told Ratha that I didn't know what to put under relationship status now. Ratha said the same was true for her.
It doesn't feel like Ratha and I are still dating, but it doesn't really feel like we broke up, either. Contrary to any expectations I might have had, I'm actually pretty okay with this weird half-way status. It seems more faithful to the fact that Ratha's and my relationship is complicated and hard to summarize in a couple of words. Also, it seems like an inherently hopeful state—much like Ratha's and my relationship before we started dating, actually. The time while we were dating was pretty hopeless for Ratha, and that much is obvious, but what may be less obvious is that a lot of it was hopeless for me too.
We are all the possibilities
As endless as our imaginations
—One Love, Sister Hazel