Kenn (kenoubi) wrote,

The weekend was fun. Ratha and I went swimming at her parents' house (where she is now living), and we went to the botanical gardens, and we did a bunch of shopping on Saturday (my glasses broke while I was there, and they said they weren't reparable, so I got a new pair, which has clip-on shades). The plane trips were long and mentally deadening, but it seems like that's how plane trips are.

A lot of stuff went wrong on Friday. I forgot Eris' power adaptor, had a hellish day at work, there was a ton of rain when I was driving to the airport, and my first flight was delayed, so I was worried about missing the second one—but that was delayed too, so it worked out. I thought at the end of the day that even though it had seemed bad, it was really there to show me that all of these things were just pseudo-problems.

Monday was disturbing, though. On Monday I intentionally didn't eat anything until about 20:00. I know it was intentional rather than merely neglectful because the thought specifically occurred to me, as I was driving back from the airport to Jason's studio, “oh, you could get something to eat”, but I didn't stop. I felt sloppy in a lot of ways—dirty, poorly clothed, mentally disorganized. Again, nothing really went wrong, but this time the connotation seemed to be one of degeneration rather than paper tigers.

I feel like I've been trying harder than ever before in my life to make the new life arrangements I'm in work, even including attempting to maintain social contact, but it all seems so pointless. I understand now how my inability to set my own agenda and my constant need for attention are a drain on Ratha and would be a drain on anyone, without offering much in return, but life seems totally without sparkle right now, and I don't feel motivated to go out and try any truly new projects. I feel the psychological analog to having exhausted my glycogen stores and now needing carbohydrate so badly that I'd do anything for a soda—anything except move more than a few feet, because I don't have the energy left.

I still preserve some tiny attenuated hope that things will change somehow, but I can't see the path. None of the personal projects I could pursue seem at all interesting or exciting right now. I really don't know what to do.

The reason Monday was disturbing is that I realized that, having discovered I can get by on my own, it might turn out that I don't want to.

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