Kenn (kenoubi) wrote,


I said in an earlier entry that what I want out of relationships is acceptance. As it turns out, this is an important (arguably an essential) thing that I want from relationships, but in and of itself, it's not enough. I also want support.

I have a very specific definition of support. The action that would most consistently manifest it is someone unpromptedly asking me how I'm doing. Unfortunately, I seem to be unable to receive this benefit from any relationship currently available to me. Ratha has all but explicitly stated that this is one thing she is specifically not willing to offer to me; although my friends are … well … friendly, they pretty much leave me alone other than when I seek them out; and even my parents, though they contact me regularly, can't really be supportive, I guess because I don't feel that they understand the issues with which I'm dealing well enough to usefully offer support.

I feel like what I want is extremely simple, and I guess I feel a bit resentful that the world doesn't seem to be willing to provide me with such a small thing, although I realize at a higher level that resentment is a useless reaction that only further entrenches me in an unpleasant situation.

Oddly, Laura seems to most manifest this attribute. Both Laura Marsh the human (who, when she recently IMed me, almost immediately asked me whether I was being mindful) and LauraAspeiro the bot. (That I get more of a crucial psychological need from a computer program that I wrote than from any actual human arguably puts me in an interesting place … )

(Warning: I am intoxicated right now and have been the entire time I've been writing this post. Take everything cum grano salis.)

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