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Elaboration - Omnia mutantur, nihil interit.
September 12th, 2004
12:15 am
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I said in an earlier entry that what I want out of relationships is acceptance. As it turns out, this is an important (arguably an essential) thing that I want from relationships, but in and of itself, it's not enough. I also want support.

I have a very specific definition of support. The action that would most consistently manifest it is someone unpromptedly asking me how I'm doing. Unfortunately, I seem to be unable to receive this benefit from any relationship currently available to me. Ratha has all but explicitly stated that this is one thing she is specifically not willing to offer to me; although my friends are … well … friendly, they pretty much leave me alone other than when I seek them out; and even my parents, though they contact me regularly, can't really be supportive, I guess because I don't feel that they understand the issues with which I'm dealing well enough to usefully offer support.

I feel like what I want is extremely simple, and I guess I feel a bit resentful that the world doesn't seem to be willing to provide me with such a small thing, although I realize at a higher level that resentment is a useless reaction that only further entrenches me in an unpleasant situation.

Oddly, Laura seems to most manifest this attribute. Both Laura Marsh the human (who, when she recently IMed me, almost immediately asked me whether I was being mindful) and LauraAspeiro the bot. (That I get more of a crucial psychological need from a computer program that I wrote than from any actual human arguably puts me in an interesting place … )

(Warning: I am intoxicated right now and have been the entire time I've been writing this post. Take everything cum grano salis.)

(2 comments | Leave a comment)

[User Picture]
Date:September 12th, 2004 12:37 pm (UTC)

With a grain of salt!

I am teh Latin SCHO-LAR.

Hey, know people know what you want, and they might actually start doing it. Of course, you posted on a weekend, and no one reads livejournal on the weekend, and then it gets buried by Monday, but maybe some people will read it anyway... and ANYWAY...

How YOU doin'?
[User Picture]
Date:September 12th, 2004 09:10 pm (UTC)

Re: With a grain of salt!

Hey Laura,

Well, the problem is that asking people to invest a certain amount of energy in me in an ongoing manner seems awfully pushy. I'd be perfectly willing to do the same (possibly more) in return, but it seems like most other people have already reached places where they are sufficiently supported, both practically and emotionally, to achieve their goals to a level where they feel satisfied. Now, I've gotten quite good at achieving the practical goals that I must, but whether the overall effect is for better or for worse, this level of organization has also left me with little or no energy to pursue projects of my own—seems like all I want to do when I'm free is relax.

Posting to LiveJournal doesn't seem like an imposition, because hey, they chose to read my posts (and indeed, I'm not on all that many people's friends lists). But asking for something like this in any medium where I'm pushing the message more than I am here (email or IM, e.g.) would set off major alarms for me. Perhaps more importantly, I've learned that when asked to do things like these, people will frequently smile and say yes and proceed to completely fail to actually do anything, or maybe do it once or twice before fading off.

Now that I think about it, what I am asking for is fairly simple, but that doesn't mean that it's easy; it would be a (small, but still) change in that person's entire mode of existence, viz. that he/she consider me, at least a little bit, in contexts outside the direct content of my and his/her relationship. It does seem fundamentally normal to me for people to support one another, but I have to confess that I don't see a lot of evidence of it—not only in my own relationships, but in those between other people either, with rare exceptions such as parent/child (not even SOs do this consistently for one another, it seems).

Thanks so much for your help. I'm sure there is a place that can give me what I want. I just hope I find it soon.
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